10 Things Ruined by 50 Shades

I have a confession to make. I read 50 Shades of Grey.

Wait. It gets worse.

I enjoyed it.

Before you gasp and start fanning yourself with your dog-eared copy of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, let me tell you that my enjoyment had much more to do with how it was read than the actual material. But that's another story for another time.

Clandestine Classics, a publisher of erotic e-books, has announced that it will be releasing selected classics with added 50 Shades style sex scenes. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, and Sherlock Holmes will all get the Christian Grey treatment. Predictably, the outcry has been fierce. The classics will be forever ruined by 'kinky-fuckery'.

Let me tell you, it isn't just classic literature that is at risk. This diabolical E. L. James creation has had far-reaching effects. 50 Shades has ruined many things that I used to take for granted.

1. Classical Music. Just this past week, EMI Classics released the 50 Shades of Grey Classical Soundtrack. Chopin, Bach, and Pachelbel are spinning, and spinning, and spinning. Brides will never again walk down the aisle to Canon in D without someone giggling in the background.

2. My Subconscious. I never really gave it much thought. It was none of my business what my subconscious was doing. I figured it did its thing and I would, consciously, do mine. But then I learn that Anastasia Steele knows what her subconscious is up to, and that makes me think mine is defective, or I'm lacking some deep thought process that allows me to connect with it. I hate feeling inferior.

3. Coffee Shops and Lattes. Ana goes to a coffee shop with Christian although she doesn't drink coffee. What is wrong with her? Who can turn down a beautiful, creamy latte topped with rich, swirly foam? Used to be that I couldn't, but now my beverage of choice has been forever marred by this:

"He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.”

That, and I can't look at the tea display without thinking "bag in, or bag out."

4. The Song Mrs. Robinson. As soon as it comes on the radio I flip the dial. I can't hear the chorus without thinking of the older woman who ruined Christian Grey for all others.

5. Lip Biting. I bite my bottom lip a lot. Or I used to. Did it without thinking. Now I'm very aware that I'm doing it and think of this:

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

Blech!

6. Visiting the Bookstore. Something else I do a lot. I visit the bookstore at least twice a week. Now whenever I go I'm assaulted by monochrome book covers. There are references to this book in almost every section of the store, not to mention a table of books that are being pushed under the Grey umbrella. Another good reason to hide out in the horror section.

7. Holy... I used to think of Robin, now it's Anastasia Steele and her penchant for saying "Holy Crap!" for Every. Little. Thing.

8. Red. I like the colour red, but it has become difficult to look at any shade of it without thinking, "Is this Room of Pain red?"

9. Neck Ties. A man in a neck tie. Nice. Or I once thought so. Now I just wonder what kind of print it would leave on one's wrists.

10. Cable Ties. Do you even know how many cable ties are lying around my house? I feel like I have to hide them all away if I have company in case they think I've been doing something dirty. In the same vein, I can't walk past the rope and chains aisle of the hardware store without blushing.

I'm sure there are many more things that have been ruined by this book that just haven't come to the surface. Years from now I'll be wandering down the road and a helicopter will fly overhead and I'll have horrible flashbacks of 'Charlie Tango'.

I won't even get into what this book has done to my last shreds of respect for the publishing industry.